COMMANDMENTS
"What, me, The Holy Webmaster, burn in Hell? That wasn't in the job description mate."
Like other religions that have a certain popularity around the world, we have a set of basic commandments that you are required to obey -
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In never bothered Spike Milligan. R.I.P.
Thou shalt not fill in thy income tax correctly. (Even non-evil folks around the world follow this commandment.)
Thou shalt not tell the truth, even when faced with the incontrovertible fact that thou art lying. (Politicians must master this commandment if they are to succeed.)
Thou shalt not let mere facts sway thy opinion.
Thou shalt be intolerant of anyone who holds beliefs or opinions that differ from thine.
Thou shalt oppress those weaker then thyself, and toady up to those stronger than thyself.
When using the internet, thou shalt use up all the bandwidth and to hell with thy fellow surfers.
Thou shalt conjure up demons, even when they art thine own demons.
Thou shalt always remember that thou doth not own thy own soul, for thy soul is like software, thou only art licensed to use it under the terms and conditions laid down by the Holy Webmaster and in no other wise, lest The Holy Anti-Piracy Gestapo cometh looking for you. (If Summa Bed Linen pirated software instead of killing innocent people, he would be dog meat already)
Thou shalt take from the poor, and giveth to the corporations, so they might continue to plunder the earth.
Thou shalt block up bandwidth with thy spam.
The strong shall destroy the earth, so that the meek inherit nothing.
Thou shalt call thy colonies 'dependencies', so thou shall still be able to claim the high moral ground, at least to thine own citizens.
Thou shalt not give a stuff about anyone but thine self.
Thou shalt neglect thine children, that they may wander the streets for the greater glory of drug dealers, pederasts, paedophiles, and thy thesaurus.
Thou shalt send missionaries to the colonies, so that thou may ravage them with thine alcohol and syphilis.
Thou shalt suffer thy children and thy children's children to be turned to the Stark Side at an early age, lest thou be lonely in Hell.
Aspireth not to the level of the great. Drageth them down to thy level.
Thou shalt not tell the truth when lying will suffice.
Thou shalt flood the internet with pornography, so that the Holy Webmaster and the Governments who serve him shalt have an excuse to control thy surfing for the Greater Glory of Bureaucracy and Oppression.
Thou shalt worship no other gods but money and power.
Thou shalt not heed the views of others, lest thee turn into a reasonable human being.
Thou shalt practice tithing. Thou mayest keep ten percent of thine takings, the rest thou shalt giveth to the Holy Webmaster.
Thou shalt write thine own commandment when it becomes necessary to cover thine own arse.
Thou shalt always fart in an elevator before leaving it.
Thou shalt NEVER log on as root.
Thou shalt always be politically correct if thou wishest to be quoted in the US media.
Thou shalt play thine Lou Reed records at full volume, for the greater glory of the Holy Webmaster and the consternation of thy neighbours.
Thou shalt write thine viruses and email worms and send them out to all, so that the destroyed hard drives shall number as the sands of the desert and the stars of the sky, to the greater glory of the Holy Webmaster, who is, after all, a computer consultant (and a bloody good one).
Thou shalt not fear going to Hell. Remember, it is a dry heat.
Thou shalt bow each morning towards Holy Redmond whilst making with thy right hand the sign of Holy Windows.
Thou shalt not keepeth thy Microfart software in the same building as your second computer, lest thou be led into temptation, and call down upon thyself the holy wrath of the Anti-Piracy Gestapo, who shall bring down Holy Bankruptcy upon thou, thy children, and thy children's children, unto the tenth generation.
When thou sellest thy soul to Satan, thou must inform him that the Holy Webmaster has an interest as First Mortgage Holder.
If thou doest enter the Ninth Gate Of Hell, wilt thou please explain the ending of the movie of the same name to the Holy Webmaster. He still has sleepless nights trying to understand the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
The word of the Holy Webmaster is final, and no correspondence will be entered into.
Hell is filling up quickly - book now!
Like, meow, man.
Did you know that the total number of American Indians killed in western movies exceeds the total number of humans who have lived or are living on this planet by a factor of 10ฒบบบบบ?
komuneko papera bukatu hau urte!
Copyright ฉ 2001 Brian Brett
