Fart not, lest ye be farted against.

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The Holy Webmaster has decreed that the time has come to put a stop to farting in public.


The Fart Police have been formed to stop this disgusting habit.

To this end, it has been decided to introduce a colourless, odourless, chemical into the drinking water throughout the nations of the world.


When ingested, this chemical combines with gasses produced in the human intestine to produce a rich purple colouration to the normally colourless, but not odourless, human emissions.

The Fart Police will patrol public areas looking for sudden bursts of billowing clouds of purple, and taking the appropriate action.


This will lend a new phrase to the English language, "Johnny won't be home tonight, he got purpled in Main Street this morning."


The Fart Police will concentrate their efforts around curry restaurants and baked bean factories.

The Fart Police will be issued with Bubble Sound Detectors to catch those felons trying to get away with farting in the bath.


Playing 'Dutch Ovens' is now a capital offence.


The movie "Blazing Saddles" has been withdrawn from public view by Court Order.  It was found that a certain segment of this movie was being used as a training film by serial farting felons.


To assist in the arrest of fugitive farting felons, the FBI (Farters Bereft of Integrity) may apply for a Court Order to alter the colouration properties of the chemical placed in water supplied to known haunts of the fugitive.  Agents see a billowing cloud of, say, orange gas, they have their man.

Watch out for the undercover operatives.  They could be under your bedcovers this very night. A very dangerous assignment for the operatives.


A recent decision by The High And Mighty Court Of Arrogance And Senile Old Men now means that 'following through' is no longer a valid defence to the offence of "Malicious Farting in or near a public place".  Also remember that skidmarks are held to be prima face evidence of Illicit Farting.

The motto of the Fart Police is "I stink, therefore I ran".

"Give it up son, you've been purpled"


"I smelt that"




As the mighty Saint (P)Rick of Scumbag College once said, "there is a horrible, farty, smell in here, and it didn't come from my bottom."

Hell mate, I gotta earn a living until they start up Diablo III.



Wanem i stap solap long poket blong yu?  Bae mi stretem wan bed blong yu long haos blong mi. Wanem kaen krangke tingting olsen ya? Sore. Bae mi jokem wan gel long naet.


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komuneko papera bukatu hau urte!

I keep telling you, George Dubberyar, not THAT freakin' button!!!!!

Copyright 2001 Brian Brett