As you can appreciate, Judgment Day (also known as 'chickens coming home to roost day') is a thing that we evil, stark side of the Farce, type people are not too keen on.
The Holy Webmaster is only too glad to pass on some helpful hints to assist his dark minions to avoid their comeuppance. Of course, he will keep the really good hints to himself, so he can avoid the poo himself when he goes in the dock. The Holy Webmaster doesn't really care how many of his followers get to do celestial porridge, as long as he gets off scot-free.
When committing evil deeds, use someone else's name. This is not supposed to work, but hey, you don't ask you don't get.
Change your family name to something like Zzzzzzxz, in case they do things in alphabetical order.
Try to get your case heard after the politicians and lawyers. Maybe Hell will be full before you come up for sentence.
Tell them your dear mother told you to use Bill Gates as a role model, and you were too young to know any different.
Tell them there must be some mistake, that you were never really alive in the first place. If you had a life like mine, this should work.
Tell them you were made to sit through every screening of the Oprahouse Windbag Show, and you have been punished enough already. This will also work if you tell them that you worked for a business that played Barry Manilow music all day. Start humming 'Copa Cabana' whilst in the dock and you are certain to be waved through.
Hide in the audience of the Derry Dinger Show. Nobody would think of looking for intelligent life forms there.
Show them a picture of your wife/husband/mother-in-law. Always play for sympathy, my friend.
Tell them you are really Mother Theresa. So many others will be trying that one on, you may just get lost in the crowd.
Tell them you were a good and honest police constable in a democratic country, who tried to do his sworn duty despite political interference. That is enough Hell for anybody.
By the time you get there, it will be OK to be rich, because the new Intel .05 micron technology will make the camel and eye of a needle thing a doddle. Of course, AMD will be faster and cheaper.
Tell them you served on the Redmond Board and you will be cool. Lucifer won't want you in his place, even he has his standards.
Tell them you were a journalist, and the court will rule you unfit to enter a plea.
Summa Bed Linen is sharing an apartment with Elvis in Tel Aviv. They make a living there as Everly Brothers impersonators (they wanted to do Sonny and Cher impersonations but Summa wouldn't shave his legs). They are waiting for Fabian to join them so they can disguise themselves as The Three Tenors.
Why all the fuss about the New York suicide pilots? Sydney taxi drivers do that sort of thing all the time without getting into any trouble.
komuneko papera bukatu hau urte!
Copyright © 2001 Brian Brett