LEAGUE OF SUPER BADDIES
It is our wish to complete our infiltration of The United States. Noting that country's fascination with super heroes and caped crusaders, we have genetically engineered some super bad guys to capture the imagination of the average U.S. citizen.
SUPERDOOPERYOUBEAUTMAN - His superpower is superselling gimmicky stuff on television to people who have no possible use for the item, but can get it if they ring in the next 15 minutes. Often heard is his supercry "But wait, there's more".
PRESSCONFERENCEMAN - This cowled commentator has the super ability to make people believe whatever he says, as long as it is said with a U.S. Flag in the background.
SUPERCENSORMAN - He has the ability to censor film and video at high speed to ensure that any such media released shows U.S. citizens living in large multi story homes with brand new cars and cable television, with no hint of poverty. He also ensures that war films only show U.S. Military on the Allied side. His ward, SUPERCULTURALIMPERIALISMBOY, ensures that the media is then foisted at super speed on the rest of the world.
MACHOMILITARYMAN - He has the super ability to look super macho in camouflage uniform just like in a Hollywood movie, ensuring that U.S. citizens continue to have difficulty telling reality from fantasy.
MILITARYMEDALMAN - Can manufacture military decorations at super speed, ensuring that any military officer giving a press conference has at least 10 rows of medals on his uniform, despite the fact he was still in high school when the last war occurred.
SUPEREXCHANGERATEMAN - At super speed, he flies around the world threatening countries that their exchange rate debt will be called in, bankrupting the country, unless they agree with whatever George Dubberyar Bush wants.
SUPERFBIAGENT - Does nothing at all, just like the agency he represents. He ensures that the agency gets lots of television shows made about it. The agency only has success on fictional television shows, or, in the real world, when it sets up fictional crimes to catch people who would never commit a crime in any other circumstances.
MANOFSTEAL - Uses his super powers to ensure that U.S. inefficient steel manufacturers are protected to the detriment of U.S. friends and allies.
SUPERMILITARYSCIENCEMAN - Works at super speed in the U.S. of A inventing bigger and better instruments of death, despite the fact that no other country can be bothered. Helps keep scientific resources away from non-macho areas such as health and feeding the poor and starving.
SUPERSPORTINVENTIONMAN - This being springs into action when a certain country, despite pouring squillions of dollars into sport, still gets wupped by other countries with small populations and zero sport budgets. He invents sports, at super speed, that nobody would have dreamt up in a million years, tacks the word 'extreme' in the title somewhere, then holds 'world championships' that his country is always guaranteed to win, because nobody else knows anything about it.
Makes you wish you had an endless supply of kryptonite, doesn't it.
They are, of course, all disguised as mild mannered reporters (or would be if there was such a thing).
If lying under oath is a mortal sin, then heaven is empty.
komuneko papera bukatu hau urte!
Copyright © 2001 Brian Brett
